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FUN STUFF
We may have a little problem with definitions here. It is almost inevitable to stroll along the Internet without now and then seeing things which appear to be very funny. Some of those funny things, you’d like to record, so that you don’ forget them.
Back to the definitions. I’ll record things here which I find funny - you may not find them funny. Fine, just ignore them. On the other hand, if you find some funny things that I haven’t seen, how can I appreciate them - unless you put them on your web site?
Anyway, this is my site, and I’ll just post the funnies (in my opinion) here. Keep scrolling down>>>>>>>
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
“I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
THREE SISTERS:
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her
foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
THREE SONS:
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were
the only son to have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. That chicken was delicious.
An American in England
An American, on a train going across England, walked through the train looking for a seat. After he had walked the length of the train and found no seat, he started back and saw a woman sitting there with her dog on the seat beside her. He said, "Madam, would you please move your dog as that is the only empty seat on the train."
She replied, "No."
He then said, "Madam, please move your dog as that is the only empty seat on the train and I paid for a seat and I would like to sit down."
She answered, "No."
He then reached over her and opened the window, grabbed the dog, and threw it out of the window, and sat down.
An Englishman sitting across the aisle said, "That’s the trouble with you Americans, you do everything wrong."
The American replied, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well", said the Englishman, "You eat with the fork in the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
A Visit to the Pope ......
A man from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'" then he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"
US OLD FOLKS
Nobody Believes Old People. Everyone thinks we are senile. An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.
They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the
neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that
fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...
The Mayonnaise Jar and the Beer Cans
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
While we are on the subject of education, let me introduce you to my Spell Checker, a most valuable computer tool:
My New Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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